A wonderful weekend! April 30, 2007
Happy Birthday to You!! April 27, 2007
Happy Birthday to My Darling Husband… April 26, 2007
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your back goes out more than you do.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size..
You don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… have come back in style.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your mind makes contracts your body can’t keep.
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
You look for your glasses for half-an-hour,
You wake up, looking like your driver’s license picture.
Happy hour is a nap.
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t remember being on top of it.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You don’t remember being absentminded.
You have more patience; but actually, it’s just that you don’t care any more.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your drugs of preference are now vitamins.
You tip more and carry less.
You read more and remember less.
You get propositioned by AARP.
Younger women start opening doors for you.
The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don’t give you a ticket.
You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters.
You are no longer ‘promising’.
Younger men ask you for advice.
You work on your short game.
You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car.
Your medical expenses go up 50%.
A ‘late night’ now ends at 11 pm.
You learn where your prostrate is.
You develop a knack for wearing hats.
Out of the Mouths of Babes April 17, 2007
Dirt April 3, 2007
How old is dirt? When people say you are older than dirt, is that possible? Do we have new dirt now, dirt that is different that when God first created it?? Does dirt regenerate itself and suddenly have baby dirt?? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
So, if dirt is old, and you can be older than it…how old does that make my brother, who on the 4th of April turns 35….making him…..OLDER THAN DIRT! (I write this entirely in jest, as I know he will stumble upon this sooner or later)
So, an ode to my brother (condensed version)
ahem (throat clearing sound)
This one has a little star.
This one has a little car.
Say! What a lot of brothers there are.
Yes. Some are red.
And some are blue.
Some are old.
And some are new.
Some are sad.
And some are glad.
And some are very, very bad.
Why are they sad and glad and bad?
I do not know.
Go ask your dad
Some are thin.
And some are fat.
The fat one has a yellow hat.
From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Look what we found in the park near a stick.
We will take him home.
We will call him Nick
He will live at our house.
He will grow and grow.
Will our mother like this?
We don’t know.
It is time to sleep. So we will sleep with our pet Nick
Today is gone. Today was fun.
Tomorrow is another one.
Every day, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.